out of chaos, life is being made
by dearpureblood
Summary: How Bucky Barnes remembered and Steve Rogers smiled, a story told in 15 acts.


**1**

The place has no smell.

Better, the place has nothing: no smells, sounds, or colors; everything is white and lifeless around the big iron bed, the turned off monitor on the wall, and the huge mirror that reflects his sick appearance. It's a strange feeling (funny would be more correct, but the protocol for that feeling is not allowed) because he knows exactly who is behind the mirror, what they will try to see on the big monitor, and how cold it will be to lie on the iron bed.

In the half-light of the room it lived up to the rest of the floor where they are - 17th of the Stark Tower, the hospital wing, and everything there, too, seems dead. Is not that a great irony?

"Sergeant Barnes," says the ceiling, JARVIS (Edwin, December 15, 1992. Mission: complete), "When you are ready, sir, you can lie down. Doctor Banner and Captain Rogers will help you through the procedure."

And that's how the Winter Soldier (re)discovered that his name was James Buchanan Barnes, but the Captain (Grant, Steven, codenamed Captain America: Target Level: 10) calls him Bucky. It was a name he remembered and an area of his brain that lit up. That's how James discovered that he remembers nothing of his life as Bucky, nor of Captain Steve, but he remembers the name of the colors that paint the great monitor with each new memory.

In the end, there is blood on his nose, and hands at the small of his back, massaging as a way to calm a panic attack that James only noticed after it was over. The voice through the mirror says it's a reaction of his body to a broken protocol of action, that his brain still doesn't know how to act properly, and the memory of his muscles for a certain time will try to comply with certain orders. His mind hurts with every dose of air his lungs suck in. Captain Rogers is asking if he remembered anything related to Hydra, the Avengers are investigating every member and every base that has a connection to the seven-headed monster. First James thought of answering _cut off a head and two are born in its place_ , but his second thought, amid the confusion and pain, is _Syringa vulgaris_ , and he opened his mouth to reply.

This is how Captain Rogers discovered that Bucky Barnes cannot speak.

 **2**

Although James never leaves of his apartment much, it is not complicated to recognize the dynamics of the group and the role of each one within that eccentric circle of friendship.

Tony is Tony, not unlike his father, perhaps a little more megalomaniacal and owner of a more acute narcissism. There's more money too and a willingness to party and watch "classic" movies that no one else seems to be able to handle. James doesn't know how to describe it, but it's easy to notice his admiration for Rogers, although both spend more time arguing than normal.

Sam Wilson, Rogers' best friend in this new century, is a war veteran whose wings James remembers having taken off once. If he had a voice, he might be sorry, because apart from Rogers, Sam Wilson is the only one who wakes up every night and has the courage to go down to his apartment, keep him company or help during a nightmare. A good man, Rogers said once, and something in James wishes to agree.

Banner, the Hulk, is the one who has the patience and the time to explain to James every new procedure and medication, whether for memories, lack of sleep, or the will to live. He doesn't talk much, just looks James in the eye and somehow, they seem to understand each other.

Natasha is Natasha Romanova (Наталья Альяновна Романова, association: Red Room, KGB, SHIELD, Avengers) codenamed: Black Widow. Apparently that's all he should know.

Clint Barton doesn't live in the Tower, he is a family's father, deaf and very good with arrows. Natasha has an arrow collar and Clint spends a lot of time in her apartment. Natasha says that must be enough information.

Thor, whom James saw only once, is twice as big as Rogers and three times as... Maria Hill said "cute", once. His language is obsolete, but it has a certain charm, perhaps for commenting sympathetically and smiling so easily at the blunders that come mainly from the mouth of Tony Stark. Rogers said he was from another world, and for a moment James thought Rogers had a crush on his teammate (which made his heart squeeze a little too much) until Romanova stated that Asgard and the gods were all real. It was not hard to believe, after all he had a metal arm and was a hundred years old.

Steve Rogers is like that puppy everyone wants to take home and take care of, big blue eyes and always falling shoulders, giving short answers and avoiding any unnecessary contact. Always in the same room as Bucky, looking at him from side to side, sometimes staring and almost always lost in thought. A shadow that questions Bucky every now and then, trying to read his facial expressions, explaining things and showing pictures and saying _you had four brothers, Buck, you were a great big brother_ and _Sam marked the next session for next Tuesday, we can go together if you like_ and _Jesus, how you liked sweets, good to see that it did not chan-_ and especially _it's just a nightmare Bucky, okay, everything will be fine, I'm here now_ as if it meant something (maybe yes, maybe James just hasn't figured out what yet).

Steve Rogers is the center of this dynamic, where all roles are fixed or reversible to suit the Captain's mood, Natasha will make jokes and Tony will be more responsible and Sam Wilson will always be Sam Wilson. And little by little James is sucked into this routine, as an extension of Rogers, as if leaving James content and comfortable, consequently will make the Captain twice as happy and comfortable.

Tony talks a lot about himself. Sam Wilson helps veterans and has a huge heart. Banner spends a lot of time in the lab and in the meditation room. Natasha is lethal with every step and word. Barton likes dogs more than people. Thor has a girlfriend named Lady Jane.

James Barnes does not remember things.

Steve Rogers never smiles.

 **3**

There is something in the cold that he cannot explain. It may be the way his breath becomes steam through his lips, which makes him think of Yukon, Eismitte, Verkhoyansk, or Vostok. Maybe it is the memories still present in his body of each time he was laid in the already frozen cryogenics chamber, where he would be waiting for a new mission for months or years.

His apartment in the tower, between the apartments of Rogers and Romanova, has an entire glass wall that shows the snow outside, and even though the knows the building keeps the temperature of an afternoon of summer, his surroundings seem colder, burning into his mind and muscles.

James still doesn't remember much of things from before, but his room is now packed with books and photographs and letters and documentaries. Stark Jr. and Banner lent him an article talking about flying cars and time machines, of how mankind was close to making both a reality. Rogers once said in the common room to all the residents of the tower, that if a time machine were created, he would never let Bucky fall from the train, would return as many times as necessary for James to have a different chance to live, even if for that he had to become the Winter Soldier. James said he would use the machine to remember something other than blood and cold and pain. He believes he saw the Captain's eyes watering before he apologized and left the room.

But there are new memories, good ones, of a beautiful and intelligent young girl who in the few seconds of the memory, calls him an idiot and responds to the name of Becca, and another of a blonde woman, who speaks without stopping even though this memory has no voice; she is crouched in front of him, wrapping a bandage around his bruised knee. There are memories about the docks, grease on his hands, pants too short for very thin legs, and newspapers on shoes.

He has a memory of long gone distant winter as well.

A memory where his smaller, slimmer, more beautiful body rises at dawn in a small, cold room. His younger self of another century removes all the thin covers of a small bed and carries the little that he has to the bed next to his, where an almost skeletal and feverish boy shakes with cold. In that memory, James puts all the covers on the bed, then lies underneath it next to the boy and pulls his fragile body close to him. The young James press his lips in the sweaty neck.

"Thank you, Buck," the boy says and James' memory sighs, something kind of sad, half nostalgic appears on his lips. "Not for that, Stevie."

Each winter is different, just like the story of the river, but it seems that they all marked some kind of pain or another in the mind of James.

There is something in the cold that he cannot explain.

 **4**

Things are going well for a super soldier and ex-professional killer, he knows things could be worse. After the procedure, the one with the lights in his brain that every thought made light up, James promised to himself that he would never let himself be put on a metal table again.

The first time he gets out of the tower in a five-month period is with Rogers, to buy Barton's dog food, for Lucky, who will be with the team for a few weeks while Barton and his family take their long-awaited vacation. Rogers does not shut up for a second, even in a one-sided conversation. He talks about Peggy and hotdogs and the Valkyrie. He talks about Bucky and all the girls he took to dance; Connie, the only one who met the enormous Barnes family.

In the checkout line, waiting to buy 10 pounds of fresh beef-flavored kibble, James wishes he could talk and ask Rogers please shut his fucking mouth. And maybe Rogers knows this because there's a surreal twinkle in his eyes and he says for the last time that day, "Banner thinks he can bring your voice back, Buck."

James has never been so tempted to break a promise.

 **5**

There is this memory that came up during a therapy session, when Doctor Cho asked about leaving the tower and meeting new people, that James was not prepared to have.

The memory is from when he was still a human being and Rogers (Steve) was a small pile of bones, disease, and anger. They were in a park and his arms were tossed on the shoulders of an irritated Rogers who had vomited his dinner and breathed hard from having to ride the roller coasters until all their money was gone. There was sweat in his hair and the icy wind would not do his lungs any good. James was cheerful, and the difference of this memory to the others is the sensation of a good anxiety in his stomach, the trembling inside him, as if he were full of the so-clichéd butterflies. Rogers was complaining and cursing and pushing James away, and all he could think was _oh heavens, he's so, so beautiful_.

And James' memory was filled with the smell of graphite and old stuff and Rogers.

There was, so far, no better smell than that.

 **6**

The sensation in his stomach always returns every time Rogers (Steve) enters his field of vision. Sometimes just knowing that he is in the same space as him will make the anxiety come back.

Sometimes he just has to think.

 **7**

It took him a long time to notice that everyone calls him James; he calls himself James, but Rogers (Steve) insists on calling him Bucky, or Buck, something even more intimate, a nickname of the nickname that only he had authorization to use.

It took too long to notice that Rogers now spends more time in James' apartment than in his own, always rearranging the mess James leaves behind, talking loudly or quietly, looking at him from the corner or directly in the eye. It took even longer to notice that they fell into their own routine. Rogers would arrive from a mission and there would be food ready on the table or in the refrigerator, they would sit together on the couch to watch the television or listen to the radio or just be quiet.

But despite his irritation, James did not take long to recognize that living with Rogers (Steve) doesn't bother him as much as it should, and that memories come easier with him always around.

In the end, he will not have to wait for a time machine.

 **8**

He liked to play with fire. Rogers (Steve) once said there were scars on his left hand, caused by a burn. Apparently the young James had a fascination for the flames, how the red and orange and yellow contrasted with the colorless house and warmed up the tasteless food. It kept the cold out.

James is invited to the Avengers initiative by Nick Fury himself, who appeared on a Wednesday night only to talk to him - which doesn't make sense since he is now the director of nothing - but he still accepted. It's good to have something to occupy his mind, use the muscle memory for something that maybe, maybe will turn out to be good.

His first mission is in San Rafael del Sur, Nicaragua. The city is small, simple, and burning with fire. They seem to be rescuing civilians for hours while the Black Widow disappears to find out information and Stark complains that their job is to defeat villains and not fill buckets after buckets of water, even though this was his immediate attitude when he saw the fire. Rogers (Steve) and James are removing people from a small building when the smell of smoke finally seems to make a connection with James' brain.

Ahmedabad is a small, simple, ancient city and one day it also burned. Suddenly there are cries of pain and redemption, there are prayers cried out to the winds for Svarga loka and please can they be reborn again, because they should not leave like this. It was 1978. It was the first and only time that Soldier made a mistake.

But Rogers (Steve) is by his side the next moment, shouting through the flames for the civilians keep moving forward, asking every moment _Bucky, are you okay?_ and _Okay, okay_ and _Everything's going to be Bucky, I promise_. But his breath is still harsh, his heart pounding so hard that it might jump out of his chest, the screams in his mind are louder and louder, the smell of smoke - and burned flesh - stronger. Tony rattles on the spot, asking where they are.

Chaos.

Everything there became chaos. Because that's what the Soldier leaves behind, it's his trademark, his signature.

And his body continues to move, trying at all costs to get rid of Steve's arms, who now passes their location to the rest of the team (if James had a voice, maybe he would be shouting louder than everyone else, because now there are people long-dead staring at him, pointing their fingers at him, and praying and praying and praying and praying that he might burn with them).

There is a knife in his hand and a small burnt hand that helps him guide the blade toward his chest, his brain (which does not remember all things, but recalls the name of that child, Aditya, meaning Sun). The mission was a deadly, tasteless, planned joke for him to execute, it turned on something much, much worse.

And Steve cries now, trying to hold his wrist, sobbing _Please, Buck, please listen to me_ and _Natasha, I need help, there's no one here, it was a trap, Bucky, he... he…_ For a seconds, the answer is pure static.

Then there are lips pressed against his, tear-like and heat-dried, there's a tongue searching too, exploring the inside of his mouth.

For the first time in many, many years, his mind is in complete and utter silence.

 **9**

List of places Steve kissed James (Bucky) in the next 24 hours:

On the outside of the burning building; Inside another burning building; In the middle of the street, while they waited for the quinjet to descend; Inside the quinjet, several times; After landing in the Stark tower; In the elevator; Corridor, on the way to the hospital wing; In the hospital ward, waiting to be attended to; In the bedroom, while they waited to watch the hours; In the elevator (again); In Steve's apartment, endless times.

Number of voices in James (Bucky)'s mind: zero.

 **10**

His body doesn't feel cold and the smell of smoke doesn't burn his nose anymore, his mind is still. James (Bucky) holds Steve close to his chest, as in that memory of winter night, although he now has enough covers. Steve says, in a whisper on the edge of sleep, "I missed you so much, Buck," and James (Bucky), wants to respond, but no sound leaves his lips.

God, he wants to have a voice.

 **11**

They kiss a lot and very often now.

James (Bucky) Barnes slowly remembers things.

Steve Rogers almost smiles.

 **12**

James decides to have surgery seven months after the events in Nicaragua. Banner has promised that there is an anesthetic capable of knocking him out and he would never perform the procedure with James awake.

The operation is scheduled for eight weeks after their decision, as Stark Jr. and Banner need equipment and medication. Steve will not be in New York at that time, which for James is perfect, better so, he does not want his first words to Steve induced by pain and a ton of painkillers.

A month before the procedure, Thor makes a visit to the tower. It's the second time James sees him. It's the first time he brings a gift. It is a yellow stone, which Thor explains in difficult words to be one of the jewels of the infinite, the gem of the mind. "That, my friend Sergeant Barnes, will make you remember". Steve is on the verge of tears.

The procedure is simple: Thor finds a darker tower room and that's where James is taken. He is lying on a couch, the place smells like something closed for a long time, apparently even Tony Stark knew of the existence of this place. Everyone must be out the room, including Steve, who was the first to enter.

The process goes like this: Thor speaks some magic words, the gem floats over his forehead, and the following moments are pure, pure agony. James is sure that his body is struggling to escape the nothing that holds him in place, that his hands look for something he can hold onto, and that his mute throat would have screamed as loud as possible. All that comes out of his mouth is a desperate breath.

It ends like this: James doesn't know how many minutes have passed, but his body wakes up from a dark place, so he knows that he passed out. The room is full of people. Steve is sitting next to him, both hands clutching his shoulders, whispering something that James cannot understand.

Steve asks, after being sure James is okay, if he remembers.

Bucky nods.

Steve Rogers cries.

 **Extra**

List of things that Bucky Barnes has memories of:

Everything.

 **13**

They do more than kiss now, because Bucky remembers, and apparently they did it before the war too: kissing… and other things. It's different, Steve said they had to be careful, not to let the neighbors hear, and Bucky should keep hanging out with the beautiful girls because they had to keep up the illusion. Because _You're gay, Buck. I'm bi._ Bucky agreed, although he didn't know why this information was important, he would like to respond _You're Steve, and I'm Buck_ , which in his mind makes a lot more sense.

They do not fuck, really. Steve says he wants to hear Bucky consent out loud, not just a nod. But they do a lot of other things, for example: at the end of Bucky's second mission in Norcia, Umbria, Steve was so thrilled with the idea that they would not have to worry about any more traps, that before they even arrived at Bucky's apartment, Steve was on his knees in front of him, trying frantically to get rid of his pants, and oh heavens, it was so hot and tight and wet.

During the night, most of the time, Bucky will end up over Steve, between kisses and bites and seeking as much friction as possible, and both will come so much.

During the day, sometimes, Steve will be pushed to the nearest wall and will tell stories (which Buck now remembers) of all the times he had been plagued by a hand that ran all over his body but never touched where he really needed it. Bucky doesn't do that anymore, especially after finding out how easy it is to make Steve come just using the metal hand.

Steve makes the most delicious sounds.

Soon James will as well.

 **14**

On the day of surgery, Bucky is by himself for the long seven hours of its duration. Steve is on the other side of the country, and Bucky will soon be able to talk.

Natasha and Sam Wilson are the first people he sees when he opens his eyes, already lying in what he is sure is Steve's room. There are bandages around his throat, but Natasha explains that due to the serum, in the coming couple of days the team will be blessed by his beautiful and surely hoarse voice. Sam just smiles, and squeezes his shoulder before getting up.

Steve Rogers is not in the room.

Bucky Barnes sleeps.

Steve Rogers still not in the room when he wakes up 12 hours later.

 **Interlude**

Steve Rogers is going crazy. He was supposed to be home 40 hours ago, but the UN meeting took longer than expected, and then they (Thor, Steve, and Clint) had to take an emergency break in Lenexa, Colorado, to deal with something of the... he does not even remember, but there was a fight and now his body is aching, and all he wants is to get home and ...

Bucky had the surgery two days ago. Sam sent him a message saying **he's fine** and Steve felt like he was going to cry again, because lately it was all he seemed to be able to do around Bucky Barnes.

Exactly 46 hours after his farewell the quinjet lands on the Stark Tower, and even before the engine is completely turned off, Steve is already off the ship, removing his helmet and dropping it down right there, he needs...

He needs...

Bucky.

And his world seems to slow down, he's entering his apartment (Jesus, Tony sent Bucky to rest in his apartment!) and the room is empty but the bedroom light is on.

And...

 **15**

Steve stands there, imposing, the uniform marking the muscles and curves of his body. His face is bruised, his lips bleeding and his eye growing blacker every second. Still so beautiful.

Bucky sighs, maybe now is a better time than any other, who knows, but still his eyes tighten in a smile that his face no longer knows how to form properly, it's not the same as the old photos. A new smile for a new Bucky. And Steve is still standing in the doorway, the shield now lying on the ground, and even at that distance it's possible to notice his chest contracting and relaxing, faster and faster, almost like the brink of an asthma attack.

"Hey, Bucky," he says in a whisper.

The air in the room becomes thinner, whistling with the wind that comes in through the window. Snow outside continues to fall in cheap imitation of an avalanche. Bucky remembers now, another Brooklyn, another Steve Rogers, and another Bucky Barnes, but still the same. The same core, built up to become sturdier, more crude, yet still the same.

Now was the time to tell in words the story of that young man who went dormant for a long endless winter, which should never have existed.

"Hey, Steve."

And, finally taking a step inside the room, Steve smiles.


End file.
